Be Successful at the Auction....

Are you insignificant like me? I’ve battled this disease all my life. I’ve written up a few tips I’ve learned over my years of insignificance to use at the AUCTION. In order to win your bid you have to appear as a person of great success. In simple terms if your competition thinks you have more money than they do, they will give up bidding against you.

First there is the arrival! Borrow your cousin’s BMW and park it in the front. Make sure the ‘others’ notice you. If your selfish cousin won’t loan you her car, then park your wrecked 1998 taurus in the back. Stay in your car until no one is looking, then dash away from it.

You must dress with style and class, smelling of money. For summer wear silk capri pants with a matching blouse. A must is open toe sling back heels. Do not wear your usual jeans, sneakers and t-shirt from Wal-Mart. Nothing screams insignificance like Wal-Mart. Nice tasteful jewelry, it can be the cheap fake stuff...no one will get close enough to tell. Carry a knock off Louis Vuitton tote bag. You can get them really cheap and these auction people won’t know the difference. No one needs to know you had to borrow $20.00 to get the gas to come to the auction. Paint your nails and toe nails...the same color. You must have a perfect coiffure. Women of great wealth and importance must look the part. You want people to fear you...well at least not make fun of you.

As you enter the auction glide slowly, tall, straight and meet no one’s eyes. Give a cold glance over the crowd smile at no one. You must have a seat on the front row. If possible attend the preview and reserve your seat. Front row spells I Mean Business. If you can’t get a front row seat you will have to stand in the back. Face it those heels are going to cripple you in a couple of hours. Get a seat on the front row at all costs.

Talk to no one. Speak only into your cell phone. You must have several conversations with your mysterious business associate who is minding your European Antique Store. When checking out your coveted items do nothing to draw attention to them. Talk on your phone while doing this using phrases like ‘garbage, moth damage’, ‘reproductions’, and my personal favorite ‘pragulatory rust’. No such thing as pragulatory rust but it will impress your competition. Say these things loudly into your phone. You may have to do this several times as the crowds move around. A word of caution...Do Not Let the Auction Personnel Hear You Doing This. They can and will throw you out.

Do NOT eat anything. Rich people do not eat hot dogs, chocolate cake and cheap coffee. If you can’t stay for hours with no nourishment, take a Starbucks coffee container with water or kool-aid. DO NOT pack your lunch. Nothing spells loser like pulling a peanut butter sandwich out of a Louis Vuitton tote.

Now for the bid. You should now be seated ON THE FRONT ROW. There’s many ways to bid. The most successful dealers do the facial twitch. Raise your right eyebrow at the same time with the right side of your mouth. Battling insignificance I have found this method to be totally unsuccessful. The next method is the full body twitch. Sitting with your hands folded in your lap holding your bidder card, raise one hand very slightly, displaying the number while doing the facial twitch, and slightly jerking your head back. Twitch the right side of your body at the same time. It appears like a small seizure. I have also found this to be unsuccessful. To be on the safe size raise your arm with your bidder card in your hard. Do not scream ME ME ME or HERE HERE or I WILL.

Ok. You have successfully won the bid on everything you wanted. How you pay for it is your problem...can’t help you there. You should have several boxes of smelly stuff surrounding your FRONT ROW seat. In a perfect world you would have an attractive well-dressed man to carry each box to your car. That’s not going to happen. Once I dressed my husband up and took him to the auction thinking that’s how it would go down. I caught him stuffing a hot dog in his face, mustard on his trendy shirt, telling someone that his wife sold used clothing on ebay to help pay the bills. This statement coupled with an Alabama accent just ruined my provenance. You are better off going it alone. Carry each box slowly to your car. Be very careful on those god awful shoes. If you fall off them no one will help you...they will enjoy it. By now everyone in the room should hate you. I repeat WALK CAREFULLY with one box at a time. Remain cool and aloof even if something is moving in one of the boxes. Don’t let them see you sweat.

These tips should help you for a few auctions. If you attend the same auction house they will soon realize who you really are...the woman who lives in the trailer behind the dairy queen.

Good Luck!!!